Thank you all. Mr. Speaker, Vice President Cheney, members of Congress, members of the Supreme Court and diplomatic corps, distinguished guests, and fellow citizens: Tonite, I will open my speech with token thanks to a minority figurehead, in hopes of convincing someone that I give a damn.

In our great history, we have often divided things into two sides. Tonite, I will call for unity, but when I say unity, I mean the other side should do things my way.

We must not follow calls for isolationism. No, instead, we must expand the tendrils of American self-interest outward, across all of the world, and call this international interference "Leadership." On September the 11th, 2001, a failed and oppressive state, that we supported and armed only 20 years earlier, sheltered terrorists who attacked us, and we responded by bombing the hell out of another nation right next door and installing a faltering government that is a Democracy only in name.

Other nations nearby are overcome by Radical Islam, which, because of our incredible American self-absorption, we know has only one reason for existence: to attack America. We reject these tyrannies, and seek to install "Democracy" in these countries. But their "Democracy" will not look like our "Democracy". Ours is increasingly fueled by Fundamentalist Christianity, while theirs will be fueled by Fundamentalist Islam. Both are religions of peace, yet their differences will fund Defense Contractors for decades to come.

With so much in the balance, we must learn the difference between responsible criticism that aims for success, and defeatism that refuses to acknowledge anything but failure. So if you don't agree with me, shut your damned mouth, traitor.

Iran, a small nation between two other nations in which we have many soldiers, is attempting to gain nuclear weapons. Tonight, let me speak directly to the citizens of Iran: America respects you, like a drunk frat boy respects a plump blond underclassman that just got done servicing him in the stall of a seedy bar. Do what you're told, and keep your mouth shut about it, and we won't totally ruin you for all eternity.

I urge the congress to reauthorize the Patriot Act, and I again falsely repeat that violating the civil rights of American Citizens by tapping their phone lines is a legal action under our laws and Constitution. Previous Presidents have also broken the law, so I can too. We will not sit back and be hit again without first racking up the false positives and destroyed lives this invasive surveillance program will incur.

Our economy is healthy and vigorous, and in the last two-and-a-half years, America has created 4.6 million new jobs. Of course, I won't count how many jobs have been lost over the last six. We hear claims that immigrants are somehow bad for the economy - even though this economy could not function without their cheap and sometimes illegal labor.

We need to keep our economy growing, and I propose that Congress make permanent the tax cuts I have set forward. And if you are watching at home, you will notice right now that every fat, white male Republican has stood up to applaud right now, faster that at any other time during this speech, because those fat, white male Republicans are exactly the ones who will benefit the most from these tax cuts.

Keeping America competitive requires us to to be good stewards or tax dollars. This year, my budget will cut more than 140 programs that have not been fulfilling essential priorities, like womens health care that doesn't go towards popping out more babies, inner city education programs, and job placement for the disadvantaged.

Keeping America competitive requires affordable health care. We could provide a national health care system, like every other industrialized nation in the world, but then the insurance companies couldn't rake in record profits. So instead, I'll say we need to extend crappy corporate insurance coverage to everyone, and we need to have medical tort reform, because that's hurting OB/GYNs, and Jesus loves babies.

America has a serious problem: We are addicted to oil. We need to break the addiction of this product from unstable parts of the world, which of course begs the question of why we're in Iraq, or why we even give a rats ass about the Middle East, since oil is the only thing they really have to offer the rest of the world. So tonite, I will announce an Advanced Energy Initiative that, while being reasonable about pushing wind, solar, and nuclear power, will outline far reaching goals to wean ourself off foreign oil with miracle technologies that cannot be invented overnight. This will ensure both that I am not accountable for the failure of this program, and that my crony energy executive friends will continue to milk the American public for every possible penny they can.

We need to encourage children to take more math and science, and I propose to give 70,000 high school teachers more work on top of their already overloaded, underpaid, and unappreciated jobs by training them to teach advanced-placement courses, courses that most students probably couldn't get into or pass right now if they tried. We raised standards with No Child Left Behind, but failed to fund it, and we'll follow that lead by bringing math and science professionals to teach in classrooms, but I won't tell you how. Here's a hint, it involves rubber hoses.

America has become a more hopeful nation, mainly because this is all people can do: hope. Welfare cases have dropped, mostly because there are fewer welfare workers. Abortion is down, not because abstinence works, but because fewer poor mothers can afford one, so instead they have children, who as we know, are much less expensive to care for than an abortion. This is evidence of a quiet transformation - when women keep quiet, we can transform this nation the way us religious guys want it.

A hopeful society depends on courts who will be servants of the law, and not legislate from the bench. That's why I've packed the Supreme Court with Roberts and Alito, who won't let them gays marry, and will overturn Roe v. Wade before morning breakfast.

A hopeful society wants elected officials who uphold the public trust. Well, keep hoping. We're politicians, and we'll pay lip service to ethics any chance we get while screwing you royally whenever you blink.

Fellow citizens, we've been called to leadership in a period of great consequence. I may invoke Lincoln and King, Birmingham and Selma, but I am no leader. For the next three years, you can expect more of the same hollow promises and money grabbing. I'm optimistic, faithful to my cronies, and confidant that the rich will get richer, the poor will get poorer, and I'll do jack squat to help the little guy.

May God bless me and my buddies. To hell with the rest of the world.